Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Heartbroken Healer

"Wow" is all I have to say. OK, maybe a little bit more than that, but that could easily summarize the last 90 minutes of my life. Around 5:00 AM I awoke from a dream - you know the kind - one that was so vivid and real that when you woke up, it was as if it had literally just happened. And unpleasant it was - my wife had just left me. Out of the blue she had said that she never really loved me like she had said countless times and she wanted to go her own way. I was devastated - I didn't understand. I didn't know what to do as she drove off and left me standing there amazed at it all.

At this point I wake up. (If you've never dreamed like this, then the following occurrences may seem kind of odd to you.) I roll over to find my wife and embrace her in an attempt to reenter reality and shake off the dream. Instead, I burst into weeping. And when I say weeping, I mean it - I was full body wailing. This went on for quite a while as my poor wife was attempting to ask me what was the matter. I was effortless to stop it - I couldn't even utter any words. Within minutes, it had become painful - it was literally as if my heart was breaking. I've experienced this before to a different degree in different moments of prayer and intercession, but this was likely the most intense. I described it to my wife later as a 90% spirit, 10% body experience as I truly had little control over it, if any. I remember crying out to God, out loud, "Lord what are you trying to say to me?". Over the course of the next few minutes, He told me that is how He feels when I walk away from Him - when I choose my will and my way as opposed to His. I remember repeating "I'm so sorry" over and over again out loud as this "pain" continued. He led me to some deep places in my soul that needed faced and then His presence physically lingered with me for some time.

Now some of you reading this may be thinking, "This is the last time that I'm reading this blog - this guy is crazy." Well, you certainly have the right to think that, but I'd urge you to let me explain a bit. You see, what God was doing in me was surely not any kind of punishment or chastisement - He was revealing more of who He is to me. There were places in me that He wanted to heal and things that He wanted to reveal to me and He sovereignly chose to do so. I've been asking for His heart for 18+ months now and have shared many times how that's not always as we might seem it would be.

God's heart breaks each time we willingly walk away from Him. I'm not talking about "backsliding" or "returning to the world" necessarily - I mean whenever we choose to walk our own way and do our own thing, ignoring His great love and devotion. It's this perfect love that literally drives out all evil. The devil has NO counterattack against God's abounding love. You see, the world sees God as this mean Judge on a great throne throwing lightning down to all who don't know Him. Although He is on that great throne, He is love - perfect love. He loves you the way that no other being is even capable of loving. I encourage you today to get alone with the Lover of your soul - take it from me, it will radically change your life.

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