Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Jesus's For Every Season: 2008 Edition

I had so much fun doing these last year, I decided to repost them this year to relive the moment. I even decided to add a few new ones for 2008. Enjoy!

* NEW for 2008! *

Holy Spirit Fire Jesus - The most technologically advanced Jesus ever! With the push of a button this Jesus emits low levels of radioactivity that causes all present to convulse and laugh uncontrollably. A must-have for your "spirit-filled" friends! (Not responsible for any injuries due to falling out "under the power" of HSFJ.)

Local Pastor Jesus – The perfect gift for your Pastor! This talking Jesus speaks a full length, forty-five minute sermon on how to become a great leader! Everybody knows that their Pastor loves to hear themselves speak! A gift that reminds him what he is to remind you of – throughout the whole year! (Other messages on laity, building programs and tithing sold separately.)

Fireproof Jesus – Exclusive offer! Is it Kirk Cameron or is it Jesus? Who cares, He’s got a hand-made fireman’s uniform on! A mini “Fireproof Everything” manual and a hose that sprays your favorite beverage is included! * Just Updated! The figure now recites daily quotes from the "Love Dare" book! (Churches get bulk discounts. Order now, these won’t last long!)

Worldly Jesus – Honestly, there’s nothing special about this Jesus, but hey! What’s wrong with that? He looks just like everybody else, but that's OK. This is the perfect Jesus to make you feel better about being just like the world - a real confidence booster for those who don’t feel like pursuing the "Biblical" Jesus. After all, who could do that anyway, right?

Forever On The Cross Jesus – Handcrafted from real wood and iron spikes, this Jesus figure is perfect for those who never seem to realize that Jesus is not still on the cross. Sure, we know that He was raised from the dead, but what can we say, people like to leave Him up there!

Christian Tshirt Jesus – Want a Jesus that you can dress up in your favorite Christian tshirt throughout the entire year? We thought you did! With the purchase of this exclusive Jesus, you get a new tshirt shipped out to you each month! For added fun, take Him out on the town with you and dress twinkie! (Example: “3Nails 4Given”, “Hii Saved Me”, “iPray” and “Ourapostle” to name a few!)

Mega Church Jesus – * Recalled and discontinued. We received thousands of reports that the Jesus action figure would not stay in the church building model once it was constructed - we apologize.

* 2007 Jesus’s Still Available *

Last Minute Gift Jesus – This Jesus is perfect when you've run out of time and you're in dire need for anything to fill a box. Everything else is sold out, so why not give Him a try? After all, He's better than nothing, right?

Gift Card Jesus – Here's a novel idea – give Jesus! YOU choose the amount of Jesus that you want to give to that special someone this year. The recipient can use Him whenever they get around to it. (* Sorry, no cash value or exchanges. Expires within 30 seconds of purchase.)

Gold Level Partner Jesus (Also known as "Seed Sower" Jesus) – Now this is an exclusive Jesus! The holidays are always the perfect time to pledge your support of Rev. Dolorznsenz. Jesus will arrive wearing a beautiful lace robe with a 24K gold sash. (* Will ship with your choice of a prayer hanky, Bible on CD-ROM or vial of miracle water, FREE!)

SuperHero Action Figure Jesus – A super-fun guy, full of gadgets and plastic weapons. He's arrayed with super powers! Upgrade to the deluxe edition figure that performs simulated miracles, signs and wonders! (* This figure is completely fictional and does not represent or condone the belief in a "real" or "tangible" Jesus.)

Regift Jesus – Perfect for those who never wanted Jesus in the first place, so feel free to pass Him along to some other person that may actually want Him.

Religious Jesus – Available ONLY at your local Christian bookstore! Now motion-activated – the more noise you make, the more He moves! Also, His mouth is a piggy bank that smiles when you put money in it! (* Each Religious Jesus purchase receives a free pack of Testamints!)

Sweet Baby Doll Jesus – The perfect Jesus for your non-confrontational Christian friends or those that want to be careful not to offend others! This Jesus simply lays motionless in a manger with a permanent smile and arms raised to the heavens. Cute and cuddly and, best of all, you only need to set Him out during the Holidays!

Create Your Own Jesus – Jesus can be whatever YOU want Him to be! That's right – He can be a tree, a car - virtually anything that your mind can imagine! The sky is the limit!

This is all in good fun, but I ask you, who is your Jesus? Is He all about doing what you want Him to do? Is He stuck in the doctrines and traditions of men? Is He still hung on a cross? It's my prayer that this year you see Him as the Anointed Christ, seated at the right hand of the Father. Let's throw out our "versions" and see Him for Who He truly is - King of Kings and Lord of Lords.

Merry CHRISTmas!


Anonymous said...

Wow - these are fantastic. My side hurts, but so does my heart to think of how much we have so wrong.

GREAT post Joel!

Chris D.

Mark Main said...

What about 'Emergent Jesus'? He accepts all the others, he just wishes they would exhibit more love.

Yes, I am poking fun at myself.

Mike said...

I can't believe I have missed all these. Just when I thought I was getting over the "Samson whoop ass" figures.

Joel Spencer said...

Mark: This kind of list could go on for days. We have WAY too much to draw from.

Mike: Samson doll huh. I'll leave that line up to you.

Anonymous said...

This is great, I did one after the Sham Wow commercial, funny but really serious. Humor can be used to make people think seriously.

Yvonne said...

Wow!! lololol
Ouch! My cheeks hurt! This is hilarious! I love it! : ) I am so glad i decided to read some of your older blogs! This is really great stuff, beloved!