Monday, December 13, 2010

Jesus’s For Every Season: 2010 Edition

As with the other years that I've done these, although satirical, there is a lot of truth buried within each of these "Jesus's". I think it's healthy to step back and take a look into how we see Jesus and the absurdity of how Christianity often comes across. Also, quite often "traditional" Jesus differs greatly from the biblical Jesus and Who He is really, is often horribly misrepresented. My goal is to get us to step back and ask ourselves, is Jesus really who I perceive Him to be? This list will hopefully challenge and confront us a little so that we can move toward knowing Who Jesus, The biblical Christ really is. Some are light-hearted and some are considerably serious. Oh, and, and one more thing, prepare to be offended.

It's All About Me Jesus

Perfect for that honest and direct friend, or possibly, and more likely, for yourself! Upon purchase, place your thumb upon the scanner inlay on Jesus's right hand and this figure will be activated to recognize your touch. If anyone other than you touches Him, a fifty decibel alarm embedded in His mouth will sound. A built-in voice recorder enables you to record and play back whatever you desire Jesus to say to you – you are in control! This figure also comes installed with the altered worship song entitled, "It's All About Me, Jesus". Don't let someone rob you of the adoration and attention that you deserve! Get It's All About Me Jesus today!

Damnation Jesus

Our most high-tech Jesus figure yet! Comes with two settings options - "good" and "evil". The mode setting is dependent upon who is holding Him and the best part is that you get to choose who is "good" and "evil"! When in "good" mode, Jesus smiles and coos as an internal mp3 player plays soothing ocean sounds, subtly indicative of what heaven will be like. When switched over to "evil" and handed to the appropriate person, an implanted heater coil warms Jesus up to a whopping 250 degrees Fahrenheit, an audio clip of screams is emitted and red lasers shoot out of His eyes! Let your "lost" or "backslidden" friends know how you really view them, in a safe and fun kinda way, with Damnation Jesus! (Especially popular with evangelicals and traditionalists!)

Religious Rebel Jesus (Originally named "I Left Organized Religion and Now My Christian Friends Won't Talk To Me Jesus)

The perfect gift for your friends who have exchanged attending church services for home gatherings. Religious Rebel Jesus will speak to your insubordinate friend so that you don't have to! He will arrive adorned in a hand-sewn tshirt that states, "Choose Conformity" on the front. Although originally intended to play audio clips of Scripture defending the current order of organized religion, Religious Rebel Jesus will simply repeat "Go to church, friend… please" as we have yet to find any verses that support such commonly-embraced religious activities (but we're trying!). * We do not recommend, condone or endorse anyone ever consider leaving organized church to gather without someone telling them what to do. Chaos and disorder will absolutely ensue. Don't be a religious rebel.

Homeless, Poor and Outcast Jesus

Although entirely biblically accurate, this figure has been discontinued because no one bought Him. It seems we overstepped our market as people seemingly only want to see happy and handsome Jesus bounding about with delight.

Traditional Church Jesus

This Jesus is specifically designed to never fade, wear or change in any fashion, ever. He is made of space-age-grade polymers that will assure His longevity. He comes with several clothing options to match your specific service attire from the classic suit-and-tie look to the more modern polo and khaki ensemble. He doesn't do a whole lot, but He sure is predictable and scheduled and isn't that what really matters? * Can only be activated on Sundays from 10:00AM to Noon and Wednesday nights 7:00-8:30PM local time.

Platinum Level Partner Jesus

Due to the enormous success of our "Gold Level Partner Jesus" from 2007, we're now prepared to give you an even greater opportunity! Sadly, Revered Dolorznsenz's ministry has found itself in financial crisis recently and is need of your support. All new Platinum Level partners will receive a stunning platinum-colored Jesus figure accompanied by a display light! Perfect for your mantle or display case. Order ten (10) or more and receive a complimentary spray bottle of the reverend's patented "Miracle Mist" body spray. Become a partner today and receive a miracle tomorrow!

GI Jesus

Despite it being well-known that the biblical Jesus Himself stated that we're to "love [y]our enemies" and to "never resist an evildoer", we feel that this new release will likely quickly become our best-seller. Now you can go on make-believe missions with GI Jesus, eradicating the earth of evil terrorists! Forget that they're men and women created in the image of God just like you! What fun is that? GI Jesus comes fully armed with grenades, assault rifles and an assorted collection of hand-to-hand combat knives. Gore, stab, gun down and obliterate other human beings, all in God's name! * Must be 18 years or older. Only available in the United States.

Emergent Jesus

Our hippest, most relevant Jesus figure to date! Anything goes and whatever you're into, yea, this post-modern Jesus is down with that! Non-confrontational, agreeable and best of all, He just wants to hang out with ya. Buddhist, Hindu, Jewish, Christian… does it really even matter? Not to Emergent Jesus! Emergent Jesus will arrive wearing officially licensed, Abercrombie and Fitch clothing and a smile, with arms extended and two thumbs up as if to say "What's up brah?" * A vast accessory line is also available online at

Transformer Jesus

Let's be frank, we all know that it's no secret that Christian toys generally mimic "worldly" ones. But that doesn't mean that Christian toys can't be totally awesome!!!! So it's time fooooor, Traaaaansfoooormer Jeeeeesuuuuuuuuus!!! At first glance, it looks like our traditional Jesus figure, but wait! It has one hundred and twenty (yes 120!) moving parts! With twists and turns, Jesus transforms into Moses, John the Baptist annnnnnd Biblemaaaaaaan! Yes! (We know that Transformers are so Christmas 2008, but hey, we're trying!)

Rapture-Ready Jesus

We thought to ourselves, Hey! We have tornado drills, hurricane preparation exercises, fire drills and other "escape" plans in order, why not practice and prepare for the rapture?! This Jesus figure can be cloaked in invisibility at the push of a button and will reappear later without warning! While He's gone you can take the time to make sure you're not backslidden or behind on tithing. This Jesus comes with a Rapture Kit full of fantastic tools you'll need, such as: A how-to guide on how to fold your clothes neatly in a pile and place where you stood before you were swept up. A compact disc with the song "Sweet Beulah Land" on it. A stationary and pencil to write notes that you can leave for your lost friends that will be suffering God's immeasurable wrath after you've gone. A stencil to make a sign that says "Hey Jesus, I'm right here… hurry!" (Just to be sure He doesn't miss you of course.) A set of hand-sewn silk wings that tie behind your back to help prepare you for eternity. Don't get all wrapped up in the goings on outside in the real world, just stay inside where it's safe and play with your Rapture-Ready Jesus! Look out, here He comes!

Tithes and Offerings Jesus

This Jesus is no toy, folks. This figurine is here to remind you that you are obligated to give 10% of your income to your local church. Here's how He works. Using the embedded calculator on His back, enter your weekly household income when you receive your Tithes and Offerings Jesus (the internal memory will automatically save your data for future use). Press the "tithe" button and Jesus will calculate and display what you are to give – it's that simple! Think of it as a tip calculator for God! Want to step it up and give "over and above" as well? No problem! Use the "offerings" button and designate where you'd like it go, such as paving parking lots, building bigger buildings and increasing pastoral salaries! We all know that the Bible instructs us to live lifestyles of giving generously, with a cheerful heart, to those in need, but who does that, really? Comes complete with interactive feature technology! If you skip a payment tithe, the face of Jesus will scowl in displeasure. A great reminder that He is watching!

Santa Jesus

For years, Santa Claus and Jesus have been portrayed as being at odds with one another. Well, no longer! Why not let peace and harmony reign this holiday and get the figure that brings both historical figures together into one! Our unmistakable Jesus figurine sports good 'ol Kris Kringle's red and white suit and cap. To assure that this Jesus remains "Christian" enough for your Scrooge-y friends, His satin-lined bag is filled with miniature Bible's and gospel tracts! Be the peacemaker this year. Avoid all of the arguments and debacle over who Christmas is really about and get Santa Jesus today! * Ask about our life-size, inflatable lawn-decoration version as well!

Best sellers from past years that are still available for order.

Worldly Jesus

Honestly, there's nothing special about this Jesus, but hey! What's wrong with that? He looks just like everybody else, but that's OK. This is the perfect Jesus to make you feel better about being just like the world - a real confidence booster for those who don't feel like pursuing the "Biblical" Jesus. After all, who could do that anyway, right?

Sweet Baby Doll Jesus

The perfect Jesus for your non-confrontational Christian friends or those that want to be careful not to offend others! This Jesus simply lays motionless in a manger with a permanent smile and arms raised to the heavens. Cute and cuddly and, best of all, you only need to set Him out during the Holidays!

Holy Spirit Fire Jesus

The most technologically advanced Jesus at the time. With the push of a button this Jesus emits low levels of radioactivity that causes all present to convulse and laugh uncontrollably. A must-have for your "spirit-filled" friends! (Not responsible for any injuries due to falling out "under the power" of HSFJ.)

SuperHero Action Figure Jesus

A super-fun guy, full of gadgets and plastic weapons. He's arrayed with super powers! Upgrade to the deluxe edition figure that performs simulated miracles, signs and wonders! (* This figure is completely fictional and does not represent or condone the belief in a "real" or "tangible" Jesus.)

Religious Jesus

Available ONLY at your local Christian bookstore! Now motion-activated – the more noise you make, the more He moves! Also, His mouth is a piggy bank that smiles when you put money in it! (* Each Religious Jesus purchase receives a free pack of Testamints!)

* Read the entire lists from previous years here and here.


Joshua said...

I love how you've melded the satire with the serious in these. Several of them had me a little riled up, I must admit. You know what though, perhaps thats exactly what we need. I'm going to go read your older lists now. (PS: I like the new look of the blog!)

Anonymous said...

You're surely not promoting the idea that God is anti-war, are you? One cannot idly stand by while the evil in this world has its way.

Joel Spencer said...

Joshua: Thanks for stopping by. Getting a little riled up now and then is good for us. Perhaps we could all use a little shaking up. (Glad you like the new layout.)

Anonymous: Welcome. What war in the natural exactly does Jesus encourage us to wage? Who is the real "enemy" and who decides? You? Me? Politicians? His teachings ALWAYS admonished us to turn the other cheek, pray and love those who persecute us. for The "Christian American" way directly opposes this teaching as we say, with our actions, "We will declare who is evil and will execute 'God's' wrath upon them". This is just ludicrous.

Assuming your approach stems from OT Scriptures about "slaying God's enemies", may I point you to Matthew chapter 5 where Jesus states, "You have heard that it was said, 'AN EYE FOR AN EYE, AND A TOOTH FOR A TOOTH' But I say to you, do not resist an evil person; but whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also. If anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, let him have your coat also."

Even the world does as is done unto them. It's time the Body of Christ truly abides by the teachings of Jesus, The Christ.

steward said...

Oh Man! Where can i get a tithe and offering Jesus?

- jared

Joel Spencer said...

Jared: I sure wish I had one back when I lived under the 10% system. It would have made things so much easier for my guilt-ridden self. :)

Chad W. said...

I'm not a Christian, so I thought I'd comment about these in order to give some different perspective. You've seemingly got Christianity's Jesus pegged here my friend. He hates who they hate, loves what they love and supposedly moves on their behalf to carry out things that directly oppose his own teachings. It's refreshing to see someone "inside" see this and bring it to light. Kudos.

Joel Spencer said...

Chad: Thanks for sharing your view. It's imperative that Christians are willing to take a step back and listen to how those "outside" view Christianity. Any more thoughts or questions are welcome.

Christopher L. said...

These are hilarious! Sad at how accurate they are, but hilarious nonetheless.

Joel Spencer said...

Christopher: As I said in the intro, there's a lot of truth buried within the satire. It's time the Church wakes up and sees She's left Her first love.

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chelsea said...

Good insights. I want to read your older lists. Interesting site.

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CV-Vision said...

Great stuff. I thoroughly enjoy your wit - with a big heap of truth mixed in.

Keep up the fight, brother!

Nate said...

Love this!